Category Archives: relationships

Questions from the 8 year old in my back seat.

Megan Williams - Prairie Studios Photography

When it happened, I didn’t really feel the heavy, yet uplifting significance of what she  said. But now as I sit down and write, my heart feels it – big time.

This weekend, Brad’s daughter, Madison and I were driving home after a hot afternoon on my Mom’s deck. Madi  finished reading me a book about fruit from the back seat (did you know the kernel of a peach pit is poisonous?) and asked to turn on some music.

I turned up whatever pop-club-mix was on the radio, loudly, and the chorus to Sweedish House Mafia’s song “Don’t you worry child” blasted through my car.

“Don’t you worry, don’t you worry child
See heaven’s got a plan for you
Don’t you worry, don’t you worry now”

The song continued and I hear her little voice ask from the back seat, “Megan, do you call Chad your ex-boyfriend?”

She and I have had a few good chats about Chad over the past year,  so I’m no longer totally caught off guard when she asks about him, or us.

“Good question! No. I don’t call him my ex-boyfriend. I either say that he’s my ‘late-boyfriend’ or my boyfriend who passed away.”

After I explained the usage of “late” she offered, “Yea, I’d use the first one. The “late” one…”

“Yea, I prefer that one too. Why do you ask Bunny?”

“Well, when this song came on I was wondering if Chad had a friend who was a singer and wrote a song for you and him. You know, that part about Heaven having a plan for you.”

Gulp.

“Oh I see! While he doesn’t have a friend who sang this song,  that’s a really nice idea!”

“Can you turn the music back up please?”

And that was the end of it.

My life with Madi, Brad, Chad and our families – the lines are all blended and blurred. There isn’t a place or time that I can define when the hurt, happiness and heartache has stopped or started.

But in a my quick conversation with the sweet 8 year old girl in my back seat, I’m reminded that all the blending and blurring is because of love.

Megan Williams + Pairie Studios Photography

To Eva, Love Red.

The only reason Eva and I stayed in touch after high school was because of Beth.  Beth kept Eva up-to-date on my college life and visa versa – Beth fielding questions from both of us asking about the other’s dating life, travel plans etc.  Once school finished and our return-flights from wherever we were traveling brought us home, we were all in hometown, New Westminster. Beth arranged a night for the three of us to get together (in Eva’s bedroom, flopped on her bed and floor – high school style) – that was the night we realized we had that Anne of Green Gables like bosom buddy friendship. 

I’ve got Beth (or as I call her: Red) to thank for my friendship with Eva, and for that I am deeply thankful. 

Beth shared this letter with me last night, and with her permission, I’m sharing it with you. It serves as a kind reminder that even though time passes, the impact someone has on us after their gone – remains in full force. 

beth2
Dear Eva,

The snow has finally begun to melt. Tiny patches of green emerging through the salty grey mass of ice that has slid onto the city since what feels like Thanksgiving. I really never thought I’d be where I am now five years ago. Now I am living back east, drinking milk out of bags and explaining to everyone back home I don’t live in Toronto but yes I do live in Ontario. I must say I am pleasantly surprised at how things turned out. My few week stint out here became a permanent move. Did you think I could survive without Kits and the ocean….neither did I!

Spring to me, to us, always meant endless possibility. It was in March, before your birthday, that dreams of plans for adventures would begin. Because of course they took planning. Parties, trips, ideas. Like that time we wanted to go camping on Galiano as soon as possible, as soon as the campground opened. We needed maps and gear, and everything else in your garage. Realistically we ended up going in mid June instead of early May, but we were better for it. At least our tans (well burns) were. Remember that white crush shell beach? We spent what felt like hours in the water, balancing the need to eat with the joy of needing to be exactly where we were. In my office sits a photo that you took of a carving you made in an arbutus tree. I can’t remember if it’s from that weekend or another one we spent there, but it says “Galiano is Heaven.” Wasn’t that the truth.

I just found that necklace the other day, the whales-tail good charm luck one. We got them together at a roadside market where we stopped to find a bathroom. Who knows what you find when you stop to pee right?

Anyways, this spring is getting off on the right foot. All my “grown-up” things are covered. But I won’t lie, I’m itching for some adventure. A bit of unexpected in my weekend maybe. Weird that I have an actual weekend now, like the rest of the “grown-ups”. Except instead of looking forward to a far flung adventure we didn’t know the ending to, I look forward to time. Time with my family, my friends, my loves. After all, isn’t that what we did all those weekends ago, plan to be together with those we love?

I often get caught up. Caught up with the routine, caught up with the peaks and valleys of my career, caught up with the ebbs and flows of relationships. You know how it is…the phone rings, your car breaks, the cat needs food, a friend texts “let’s hangout” and that is all of a sudden the best idea in the world instead of laundry or that damn light fixture I’ve been trying to put in. You’d love it, the chandelier I bought. It’s tarnished in the perfect spots but not groddy. It looks loved not used. (Therefore perfect!)  I got it from this antique shop (my new Value Village) and I want to prove to the world I, Bethany Vogler, can install a light. And by the world I mean myself, and by install I mean hang up. It is harder than it looks, I swear.

I went for a walk the other day, braved the sub zero wind chill in search of sunlight on my face. I was presently surprised when walking along the canal (it’s what they call a river in this city) I felt warmth. It had been WEEKS of frigid air, not a solitary inch of skin allowed to be exposed for fear of ending up looking like a frost bitten explorer with no nose. The more I walked, the warmer I got. I ended up at the end of the canal at a spot overlooking where the two rivers meet. It was so still all of sudden. So calm. So quiet. And then a soft breeze came up, carrying the scent of  blossoms. Promising that spring was just around the corner. I smiled to myself. I knew it was you. Filling my heart with anticipation of the adventures ahead.

Eva, there is no way else to say it. I miss you.

I miss you the most when I feel unsure. When I want to call and get the real deal on what I should do. Because you’ve known me a third oft life. And that I should never wear green eye shadow, that I should always insert my thought into a conversation even if I’m the only one who thinks that way, that I might not be right but I’m definitely not wrong.

I don’t know sometimes what I should say when I’ve gotten myself into an argument and caused grief. I don’t know what to write in my cover letter to this Masters program I’m thinking of applying to. And I don’t know what to wear tomorrow night for this concert I have tickets for.

I’d ask for your help, but I know it’s already there. I’d call you to listen your voice, but I can already hear your laughter. Because you are always with me.

Which brings me to why I really wrote to you. After five long years. I wanted to say thank you. For never leaving my heart, for easing my fears of losing a friend, for making it known that I am loved by you. It’s how I’ve gotten by since you left.

I got by with a little help from my friend.

Love love love,

Bethany

beth

Not just another morning run.

I wanted it badly and I’ve been working to get it – and yesterday, I did! A nice, new, shiny Personal Best to feel good about.

1:33 – down from my last half marathon time of 1:37.

And it’s these three I’ve got to thank for it.

SuperKRun

SuperKRun: Karyn, Kevin, Megan & Michael – VanFirstHalf 2015

Kevin – I do not exaggerate when I say, he’s the the best coach I’ve ever had in any sport. I don’t need to elaborate on why, because it’s just an is.

Michael – he got me through the last three miles (5km’s), shaved off an extra two minutes from my finish line time and distracted me enough to stop me from crying.

Karyn, who has run along side of me since Chad was in the hospital for his bone marrow transplant – all the way to the last three miles of yesterdays race. She’s kept me on pace on our runs, and in my life.

(Please note: while we would like to think we looked this happy at the end of the race as we did here in the first mile, we did not. At all.)

Karyn Mitchell, Megan Williams at the Van First Half

I can get all emotional when I yammer on about what running has done for me, but I think Lisa captured it best in our interview last week.

“…for a brief moment, when you are breathing so hard, focused on completing the workout, only honesty can come out.”

Body Zone Fitness interview with Megan Williams

(And thanks Lisa, for getting me to articulate what is more than just “another morning run.” )

Gotta run!

A great 40

It’s your birthday today and I spent most of my spare brain time yesterday thinking of you at 40.

Some days it feels like you never left, so life with you at 40 doesn’t seem hard to picture. What we talked about, what we wanted,  what 40 year old Chad and 30 year old Megan would have been up to – that is easy-ish for me imagine.

But it’s the details about you at 40 that cause tears to glaze over my eyes.  How many tournaments would you have played and won by now? Would you have played the senior nationals with JJ?

How deep would your smile lines look and how “emphasized” would your widows peak be?

I wonder where you would be working, and what greatness would have come from your kindness and generosity.

I don’t know Chaddy. I can’t figure out the details. I’ll never know exactly what life would be like with you still here. The only thing I do know is –  you would be a damn fantastic 40.

Happy Birthday Handsome. I love you.Chad Warren 

 

Family Day

I often get asked about how my relationship with Brad’s little one is. The short answer is – she’s awesome, I love her, and our house feels like it’s missing something when she’s not with us.

The natural follow up to that question is, “How’s the relationship with her Mom?”

There isn’t as concise an answer to that question – but I do know we’ve got something special. It’s been five years since Lisa and I first met – and like most relationships, this one has taken patience, consideration and thoughtfulness from everyone involved to make it work.

While we’ve spent Madi’s birthdays parties together and cheered from the softball sidelines – Lisa and I haven’t had any one-on-one time – until Thursday. When Lisa messaged to see if I’d be interested in being interviewed for her fitness/wellness blog, my answer was immediately yes. 

So to kick start the BC Family Day Long weekend, I sat with Lisa on her comfy couch and chatted. We giggled so much, we nearly ran out of time to discuss what I was really there for. And after our interview was done, it was confirmed – I’ll take my family the same way I take my margaritas – sweet, strong and blended.

Lisa Reaveley, Megan Williams

_________

I look forward to sharing Body Zone Fitness’s Blog with you later this week, but in the meantime, take a look at their #BZFSelfLove Campaign on Instagram!

Body Zone Fitness Instgram

Who is that guy? 10 things to know about Brad.

For those who have been following this blog since the beginning – you’ll already know this.

But for those who have taken the odd peak, just picked up a copy of Our Interrupted Fairy Tale or stumbled across my Instagram/Twitter, just because I have a few cool Whistler photos – this might answer some of the questions I’ve been getting.

“Have you met someone since Chad?”

“Who’s that guy in some of your photos?” 

In short – yes. His name is Brad.

1)     He’s the only “other guy” in  Our Interrupted Fairy Tale whose name I didn’t change.

2)      We met in high school. Made-out when I was home from college. Fell in love five years ago as “grown ups.”

3)       We agree to disagree on Tiger ice-cream. (Why anyone thinks that putting black liquorice with fake orange flavour would be a good idea, I have no idea.)

4)      He is a very proud, not so humble, father of a gorgeous, brave, easy going, brown-eyed girl. She and I beat up on him, and they heckle me. (“WE know the fastest way down water slides.  Why don’t you eat chicken with the skin on like WE do.”) I love her and I love them.

5)       He wins  fantasy football leagues. And when he talks to me about it, he might as well be speaking Swahili. (I know this may come as a surprise, but I do not speak Swahili).

6)       Before we started dating, he wanted to read Chad and my blogs. So we did, together, out loud, laying on the living room floor at the mini-Castle in the Sky I shared with Chad.

7)      He’s a Registered Massage Therapist. He does not give me massages at home and I need to book in three weeks in advance if I need a treatment. This is not awesome for me. 

8)      I’ve overheard him clarifying to someone at a party, “Chad isn’t Megan’s ex-boyfriend. They never broke up.” This is awesome for me.

9)      His Mom is from Trinidad, his Dad is from Canada and that’s why he is dark-ish.

10)    I have mixed up his name with Chad’s. Only once, maybe twice, but that’s because they both fart to annoy me, and in my fury they were both grossing me out.

….and #11) It’s a bit of a blended life – but Brad gained a life and was changed for it, I lost a life and was changed for it…and somewhere, we met in the middle with a fierce, big and awesome love.

Brad and Megan

 

Dear Chaderella

Hey Chaderella,

I’ve been sad this week. I think about my dreams when you’ve come back – and while it reassures me you know how I’ve been, I realize, I don’t know how you’ve been.

What have you been doing up there, around here, over there… how much have you seen in the five years you’ve been away?

Do you know that Matt and Laura had baby Eddie? Did you know that Beckett now has a baby brother Harrison? I think he’s going to be a lefty.

Did you ever watch the last season of Entourage or see how Californiacation ended…What about Big Love or TMZ before bed? After you left, I stopped watching some of “our shows” as debriefing with myself wasn’t as much fun as it was with you. Have you seen Breaking Bad? I hope so, you’d LOVE it. Matt likes Homeland and while I’m not crazy for it, I feel like it’s something we would  watch.

What about Australia, do you ever spend time there like you wanted? Have you met Justin and Kristi’s baby, or zoom over to Texas to see the Hawkins or Shingletons?

Do you still watch tennis and coach from the couch to the tv? What about late night peanut butter sandwiches and cereal – do you still do that?

I’ve started taking your advice….(I know it’s been over five years, but whatever)… You’d be proud – I haven’t had TCBY for dinner in a super long time, and when I’m at the gym, I try to work on my core, focusing on the muscles I’m using – just like you did.

I run as hard as I can during track workouts – because I can. I know that pushing my body to gasp for air and feel my muscles ache is a privilege, not something that all people get.  Your wheezing and aching wasn’t voluntary. You wanted run and couldn’t. I can, so I should. (Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s you I feel beside me on the seawall, whispering “Push Meggie push” or maybe it’s me thinking of what you would say.)

I’m sure you know by now, that Bryn has moved into our mini castle in the sky. He wanted the couches arranged just as you had them. While I think he’ll throw a few more parties and play less Rock Band, the drinks will be the same – rum and cokes.

Anyway, there’s so much I want to hear about, meet your new angel-ish friends, see where you hang out, and how you spend your time.

I know it’s not that realistic, the same way that reading a silly blog isn’t a real way of talking to you (because you can read my mind…obviously), but incase you like to read this, just know – today, like yesterday, and when you were still here,  we think of you. A. LOT. Tonight we’ll go to Cactus Club, have a few thai wings (well, someone will, you know how I don’t care for wings) and whether our friends are at dinner or at home, there will be tequila shots had for you. Just because.

Chad Warren, English Bay

When I saw Kelli in California this summer, she said  – “It doesn’t actually feel like Chad’s gone, it just feels like he’s Vancouver and I don’t get to see him that often; but it’s like he’s still here.”

I’d like to think she’s right about that.

See you soon loverboy.

xo Boobalina.

 

 

 

 

Weird Week

It’s a weird week. It’s been a weird week for the past five years. FIVE YEARS.

It’s almost as though I am viscerally aware of the week before I consciously recognize what it is.

I choked up in the middle of talking about the beach yesterday.

Kissing my dog’s furry head last night,  my eyes stung with tears.

And for cryingoutloud – even an episode of Sons of Anarchy got a lump in my throat last night.

I’ve been looking for change in unnecessary places. Maybe I need a short hair cut. When should I get a new car. What can I change at work. I should clean more. I need to plan a getaway.

But then I consciously arrive to what my heart has already been feeling.  What I’m really looking for,  what I really want –  is I want Chad not to be gone.

It’s a week that the last chapters of the book and our blogs pull me back to the reality that was our life five years ago.

Sitting bedside, watching Chad’s breathing, his lack of breathing, massaging his feet as Intensivists tried to slow his heart rate down, tried to shock it back into a rhythm.

Chad Warren & Megan Williams, Multiple Myeloma, VGH

It was a week that hand squeezes were some of the most intense forms of “I love you’s” that could ever be expressed and just being in a room with him would become some of my most vivid memories.

I don’t prefer to think of how bad it was; especially when we had so much great to overshadow it.

But maybe this is just a good week to check in and remember what is worth really worth fighting for and who is there to squeeze your hand when you need it most.

 

 

< Read November 25th, 2009>

Dream Guy

After my last post and the passing comments I got from people – I felt I should write some sort of follow up.

I was nervous to hit “Publish” on that post. While it was/is all true, I still don’t know how I feel about it or how it would make the guy I was laying next to feel about it.

On Sunday, Brad and I were driving, and I asked him if he had any “Chad moments” recently – similar to what he’d had when he and I first started dating.

“No – not anymore. But I do think about him from time to time. Nothing in particular, I just think about him on my own sometimes.”

Then I started to cry. The tears came on so quick, I didn’t have time to run through my reliable tear-prevention tactics. A deep breath and then I told him.

“I had a dream about him the other night.”

I rambled as I tried to explain myself,  the dream – I don’t know why he came back, I don’t know why he was in my dream because I wasn’t thinking of him (more than usual). It’s messing with me. I love that it felt so real, but I feel guilty that I liked it.  “…and both of you were ok with it – and well, I dunno…” I trailed off,  flicking my tears, realizing if I couldn’t make sense of it, how was I supposed to explain it to Brad?

Big wet tears dropped off my cheeks as the tall, dark, handsome, occasionally wise and often confident guy beside me said –

“Megan – it’s ok. You know I don’t have any competition or jealousy with Chad. There isn’t any overlap between us and we know that….

…I mean, I like helicopters, and if I’m flying one in my dream, doesn’t mean that I was thinking about them that day, it’s just what happens. They’re dreams and dreams don’t always have to make sense.”

I let out a wet laugh – but before I could tease him about the helicopter analogy, he continued with something that would instantly lift a heaviness from my chest –

“If your dreams are a place where you can have your time with Chad, where you can feel like it’s real between you – then you should have that; enjoy it.”

I’m not sure if I can explain this the way I want to, but it somehow feels like I’ve been given permission – not by Brad, but from myself.

I feel like that one sentence has given me permission to love and dream without certainty – and that it’s all ok.

Brad&Megan

 

 

Dreams That Mess With Me.

I don’t event know why I’m writing this, because somewhere between my guilt,  total happiness,  disappointment and urge to cry, something feels like it needs to come out.

I woke up early this morning happy. Then as I was pulled in closer for a snuggle, I felt guilty. It’s happened before, and I’ve felt the same way. The best and worst part is, I can’t do anything about it.

Megan-Palm Springs

I dreamt of Chad. He came back. It turns out he was never gone. He just left for a while. I’m confused when I see him. I’m angry he didn’t try to get in touch sooner. Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t die? How long are you staying for? What are you doing here? He knows about my life now, but I know nothing about his. He knows I’ve fallen in love with Brad. He knows I have a life with him now. I feel rushed – I don’t know how much time I have to talk to him.

Brad also knows he’s back. He doesn’t say much, but lets me have the space I’m not sure I need, and the time with Chad I want.

I feel like I’m cheating. I feel I have to explain myself to both of them. But neither of them ask for an explanation. Both of them know, and both of them are ok with how I am.
I’ve spent the rest of the day thinking about it. There are no thoughts that have conclusion. There isn’t anything I know I can do about it … and as strange as it is…I don’t think I would.

Iy Iy Iy.