Category Archives: #OurInterruptedFairyTale

The year I heard from Chad, twice.

Hi Chad,

It’s been a long time since I’ve lost my breath thinking about you. Sometimes, I look at photos of you and barely pause before flipping through. But tonight, I paused for longer. I looked at your eyes and I remembered how your love felt. Then my chest sinched like someone squeezed lemon juice on my heart. You still got it.

It’s been an interesting year. A great year. I’ve heard from you twice! At least, I was told it was you.

Those two chance encounters with a psychic were really crazy. For all the obvious reasons, you can understand why I’m skeptical. But for all other obvious reasons, I’m hoping she has a channel on you.

The first time we “spoke”, I wasn’t sure it was you. I don’t know the photo she was referring to when she said, “He hears you when you talk to him.” But even without a photo, I love the idea you can still hear me.

The second time you “stopped in,” I felt you there. I understand the room was busy, and it wasn’t the right place for us to talk directly, but this time, I knew it was you. I knew it was you because of what I asked, and what your answer was.

I think it’s funny you sent Jay to talk to me for you. I don’t know what this is like in the spirit/angel world, but it reminded me of high school when you send your buddy to talk to your crush on your behalf. What cute kindred-spirits you are!

I never met Jay, but I’m so happy the two of you are having a blast. I can imagine how happy you are to have each other up there because I know how happy you were to have him here. When Jay explained how you both spend your time golfing, chillin’ and listening to music – I could totally picture it! But riding horses??? I know you’re a prairie boy, but it still sounds funny. I suspect it’s on a beach – with hot spirit girls.

I know our time to talk (or tune in) was tight, so thank you for reassuring me both times that you’re happy for me. People have expressed similar comforts in the eight years you’ve been gone, but hearing it from you-ish feels better. I guess everything sounds better when it comes from the source.

I’m not sure if or when we’ll next have the chance to…communicate? talk? channel?…but I hope you know what you said has relaxed me. You’re somehow closer now than you have been for years, yet I don’t feel I need to hold on so tight. That is such a gift.

Come chat soon, ok? We’ve got so much to talk about, and I want to hear you again.

Love, Me.

Chad Warren & Megan Williams at Ambleside

Nine photos of Chad that instil happiness

It’s that week again.  Just when I think I might not be as teary as last year, my heart squeezes a little tighter, a solid lump lands in my throat and tears push their way out  my eyes.

Sometimes it happens when I don’t even feel sad, but something inside of me knows the timing.

As I couldn’t get a sentence out after our Monday morning run, Karyn reminded me “Well, for the past six years this week is always been a hard one. It’s just tough.” She’s right.

It is tough. But since sadness hits me whenever it feels like it, I’m not going to wait up for it.  Instead, I’ve spent tonight looking through photos of Chad with his friends, photos of us, and remembering how funny, goofy and happy he was.

November 28th doesn’t pass without thinking of Chad – but then again, neither does any other day.

Here are nine photos that capture moments and friendships that have such strong memories attached to them, they take me back and I can laugh at it all again.

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After a half an hour of party plotting, Chad was scooped and tossed in to the North Shore Winter Club pool. My job was to get his cell phone before he went in…but I forgot.

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Chad and my brother at a Keith Urban concert. (I don’t know why we went, but we did.)
His loud “eeeewwwwiiieee!” cowboy noises can be heard through this photo.

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Our first (and only) camping trip. We stayed in his jeep.
The tent belonged to our friends. 

(Can you hear his hisss?)

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Laura, Chad & Matt as the leads in our Saturday night Rock Band group. 
“Wanted, Dead or Alive” was a fan Chad favourite.
Chad wore his grandfather’s fedora every. time.

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Before I went back to college, Chad and I showed up to my send-off party separately, dressed like leprechauns.  
Him, with questionable facial hair decisions.
Me, with bad hair decisions. No questions.

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On a road trip I shot a snap pea at Chads head. It landed in his ear and stuck.
It took a few minutes to be able to talk again. 

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I’d never seen a group of adults laugh so hard than when Chad and his tennis friends had a Christmas party.
I was late and walked in to a decibel of laughter I hadn’t heard before.
When I see this picture, I still can hear it.

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The affection he shared with his friends.

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And lastly, if you’ve ever watched Charles Barkley’s golf tee-off, it’s most comparable to watching Chad Warren putt.

chadgolf

(Stealthy taken by Matt on his blackberry)

 

You’re happiness here with us, made me happy tonight Chaddy.

I’ll talk to you soon. xo

The day I met Brenda Lee Free.

I wrote this blog a year ago – and for a bunch of “I got busy” reasons, I never published it. But today,  I’ve come back to it, thinking about a last year and the moment I met Brenda Lee Free.

I don’t remember how I found her on Twitter, but @BrendaLeeFree was tweeting about the book she was about to release – near the time Our Interrupted Fairy Tale was scheduled to be launched.

A few friendly, yet distant exchanges, I clicked over to her webpage. I learned a little more about her book – and a little more about her love story.  Ebb From The Shoreline was a story about her and her husband Kevin – their courtship and the weeks leading up to Kevin’s passing. Another young, super studly Canadian guy, succumbing to one of the rarest cancers in the world.

I have been following Brenda’s book/life journey for over a year – last fall, while doing a signing in hot and sunny Toronto, Brenda Lee walked into Chapters.

While she photographs well, she is prettier in real life – and I recognized her the moment she walked up to my table. I’ve never really met anyone online that I felt connected to so quickly. A big hug, less than 30 seconds of small talk and we got right down to it.

Megan Williams & Brenda Lee Free, author of Ebb from the Shoreline

We spent the first ten minutes talking about our books, how they are doing and any tips we can offer the other. The remaining 20 minutes were spent going back and forth with blunt, honest, and genuine questioning as if we had been friends for the past four years.

How hard has it been writing about your person?

What does your new husband/boyfriend think about it?

What do your inlaws think of the book?

How did you get over the “hump” of feeling like you’re marketing a story that is about your life?

Do you still dream of him?

For someone I’d never met, from somewhere I’ve never heard of Pennsylvania, we seem to live somewhat parallel lives – and I could have talked to BLF for the whole day.

Before we parted ways, I offered to send her home with a book. Her cat shaped, blue eyes looked at me with the same semi-apologetic expression I would have given her if she would have asked me the same question, “No thanks. I’m not going to read it.”

I knew exactly what she meant and took no offense. No matter how similar our paths have been, how similar our hurt and loss has felt – neither of us were interested in reading about it. We get it – and neither of us care to take on another love and love-lost story.

I think that was the best part for me. Knowing that there is someone out there, someone I might never see again (but hope to), who knows what it  felt like, and what it feels like now.

And with that little piece of freeing knowledge, I feel a little recharged, feel a little less guilty, and I’m so thankful that this little book has lead me to something as great as meeting Brenda Lee.

*******

Today marks the seventh year since Kevin’s passing. And BLF – I don’t know how you’ll spend today nor do I know exactly how you’re feeling, but I want you to know that there is another girl, a timezone and country away that gets how sad, weird and warped a day like today feels. xo

 

Maybe it’s my Matrix?

I do most of my crying in the car. Sometimes the shower, but mostly the car.

I got really good at it when Bryn had his transplant, when Chad was in the hospital and when he left. I assume it’s because I’m alone and even though I’ve got zero tint on my windows, I feel like I can do it without anyone watching. I prefer it that way.

I haven’t cried much lately. Maybe a tear or two at a wedding and maybe a watery eye during the Taylor Swift concert (don’t ever mention this to my face). BUT – every once in an unexpected while I get all teary with a feeling of Chad.

It creeps up on me without prompting – somehow making me feel as if he’s weighing in on something I’ve been up to, or just checking in. I feel his blunt opinions and kind support. Maybe it’s best described as a feeling from Chad.

When this happens, I get a surge of warmth and tightness from my gut, up to my chest, into my throat, and out through my eyes….tears. I miss you. Please stay.

But this is where the (I’m) crazy part has come in.

The other day, I was taking my usual route home, finishing a happy day, going to my happy home. Driving through the Stanley Park Causeway, and I felt him. Then came the warm surge then…tears. Please stay.

The feeling isn’t unusual, but what I’ve just noticed is.

Last time I had this feeling was in the same section of causeway. Actually, there have been DOZENS of  times the past five years that this surge, of grief, love and tears have surfaced in the same 400 metres of road.

Stanley Park Causeway (Photo credit: The Province)

I whispered out loud, “What the..f..”

If I was drunk with these feelings, thinking about this made me sober.

I know this sounds crazy. And I’m not deep enough to wrap my head around Inception, Wrinkle in Time, Matrix-ish theories, but seriously – am I going through a Chad tunnel or something?

I love it when it happens, but why there, why not when I’m sitting at my desk or running by our old apartment? Why those 400 metres? I like it, but I don’t get it. Maybe it’s my matrix…

Has anyone else felt like this before or had something similar happen?

Good grief.

x M

 

 

 

 

 

PS. If you’re a Psychiatrist, how am I doing on the cray cray scale?

 

 

Book #2

I have been talking about it quietly with a few friends for nearly a year now.  I’ve kept it quiet, because I haven’t been sure if I’ve wanted to do it – and mostly out of fear.

I don’t know if it will be good enough, I don’t know if it will be interesting, or as well received as the first book. I don’t know if it will ever get read by anyone, or if it will ever be printed for anyone to open it’s cover and leave on their bookshelf.  But – I won’t know until I try.  And I’d rather that unknown than any of my other uncertain questions.

So here it goes….It’s started and I’m going for it.

Book#2 - Announcement

 

 

Not just another morning run.

I wanted it badly and I’ve been working to get it – and yesterday, I did! A nice, new, shiny Personal Best to feel good about.

1:33 – down from my last half marathon time of 1:37.

And it’s these three I’ve got to thank for it.

SuperKRun

SuperKRun: Karyn, Kevin, Megan & Michael – VanFirstHalf 2015

Kevin – I do not exaggerate when I say, he’s the the best coach I’ve ever had in any sport. I don’t need to elaborate on why, because it’s just an is.

Michael – he got me through the last three miles (5km’s), shaved off an extra two minutes from my finish line time and distracted me enough to stop me from crying.

Karyn, who has run along side of me since Chad was in the hospital for his bone marrow transplant – all the way to the last three miles of yesterdays race. She’s kept me on pace on our runs, and in my life.

(Please note: while we would like to think we looked this happy at the end of the race as we did here in the first mile, we did not. At all.)

Karyn Mitchell, Megan Williams at the Van First Half

I can get all emotional when I yammer on about what running has done for me, but I think Lisa captured it best in our interview last week.

“…for a brief moment, when you are breathing so hard, focused on completing the workout, only honesty can come out.”

Body Zone Fitness interview with Megan Williams

(And thanks Lisa, for getting me to articulate what is more than just “another morning run.” )

Gotta run!

Who is that guy? 10 things to know about Brad.

For those who have been following this blog since the beginning – you’ll already know this.

But for those who have taken the odd peak, just picked up a copy of Our Interrupted Fairy Tale or stumbled across my Instagram/Twitter, just because I have a few cool Whistler photos – this might answer some of the questions I’ve been getting.

“Have you met someone since Chad?”

“Who’s that guy in some of your photos?” 

In short – yes. His name is Brad.

1)     He’s the only “other guy” in  Our Interrupted Fairy Tale whose name I didn’t change.

2)      We met in high school. Made-out when I was home from college. Fell in love five years ago as “grown ups.”

3)       We agree to disagree on Tiger ice-cream. (Why anyone thinks that putting black liquorice with fake orange flavour would be a good idea, I have no idea.)

4)      He is a very proud, not so humble, father of a gorgeous, brave, easy going, brown-eyed girl. She and I beat up on him, and they heckle me. (“WE know the fastest way down water slides.  Why don’t you eat chicken with the skin on like WE do.”) I love her and I love them.

5)       He wins  fantasy football leagues. And when he talks to me about it, he might as well be speaking Swahili. (I know this may come as a surprise, but I do not speak Swahili).

6)       Before we started dating, he wanted to read Chad and my blogs. So we did, together, out loud, laying on the living room floor at the mini-Castle in the Sky I shared with Chad.

7)      He’s a Registered Massage Therapist. He does not give me massages at home and I need to book in three weeks in advance if I need a treatment. This is not awesome for me. 

8)      I’ve overheard him clarifying to someone at a party, “Chad isn’t Megan’s ex-boyfriend. They never broke up.” This is awesome for me.

9)      His Mom is from Trinidad, his Dad is from Canada and that’s why he is dark-ish.

10)    I have mixed up his name with Chad’s. Only once, maybe twice, but that’s because they both fart to annoy me, and in my fury they were both grossing me out.

….and #11) It’s a bit of a blended life – but Brad gained a life and was changed for it, I lost a life and was changed for it…and somewhere, we met in the middle with a fierce, big and awesome love.

Brad and Megan

 

Self Published —> Literary Agent!

Some of life’s coolest things happen when you’re working without anyone watching, not wondering if what you’re doing looks “photo worthy” – and THIS was one of those moments….

I am SO excited to finally share, after a year and a half of navigating my way through a self-publishing world very foreign to me, I have signed with a very fancy literary agent!!

Megan Williams, Author

Yaaayyyyyy!!!

And now we plan which = (more) work. 

Megan Williams, Author

 Let another chapter begin!