Category Archives: Me Myself and Myeloma

The year I heard from Chad, twice.

Hi Chad,

It’s been a long time since I’ve lost my breath thinking about you. Sometimes, I look at photos of you and barely pause before flipping through. But tonight, I paused for longer. I looked at your eyes and I remembered how your love felt. Then my chest sinched like someone squeezed lemon juice on my heart. You still got it.

It’s been an interesting year. A great year. I’ve heard from you twice! At least, I was told it was you.

Those two chance encounters with a psychic were really crazy. For all the obvious reasons, you can understand why I’m skeptical. But for all other obvious reasons, I’m hoping she has a channel on you.

The first time we “spoke”, I wasn’t sure it was you. I don’t know the photo she was referring to when she said, “He hears you when you talk to him.” But even without a photo, I love the idea you can still hear me.

The second time you “stopped in,” I felt you there. I understand the room was busy, and it wasn’t the right place for us to talk directly, but this time, I knew it was you. I knew it was you because of what I asked, and what your answer was.

I think it’s funny you sent Jay to talk to me for you. I don’t know what this is like in the spirit/angel world, but it reminded me of high school when you send your buddy to talk to your crush on your behalf. What cute kindred-spirits you are!

I never met Jay, but I’m so happy the two of you are having a blast. I can imagine how happy you are to have each other up there because I know how happy you were to have him here. When Jay explained how you both spend your time golfing, chillin’ and listening to music – I could totally picture it! But riding horses??? I know you’re a prairie boy, but it still sounds funny. I suspect it’s on a beach – with hot spirit girls.

I know our time to talk (or tune in) was tight, so thank you for reassuring me both times that you’re happy for me. People have expressed similar comforts in the eight years you’ve been gone, but hearing it from you-ish feels better. I guess everything sounds better when it comes from the source.

I’m not sure if or when we’ll next have the chance to…communicate? talk? channel?…but I hope you know what you said has relaxed me. You’re somehow closer now than you have been for years, yet I don’t feel I need to hold on so tight. That is such a gift.

Come chat soon, ok? We’ve got so much to talk about, and I want to hear you again.

Love, Me.

Chad Warren & Megan Williams at Ambleside

Nine photos of Chad that instil happiness

It’s that week again.  Just when I think I might not be as teary as last year, my heart squeezes a little tighter, a solid lump lands in my throat and tears push their way out  my eyes.

Sometimes it happens when I don’t even feel sad, but something inside of me knows the timing.

As I couldn’t get a sentence out after our Monday morning run, Karyn reminded me “Well, for the past six years this week is always been a hard one. It’s just tough.” She’s right.

It is tough. But since sadness hits me whenever it feels like it, I’m not going to wait up for it.  Instead, I’ve spent tonight looking through photos of Chad with his friends, photos of us, and remembering how funny, goofy and happy he was.

November 28th doesn’t pass without thinking of Chad – but then again, neither does any other day.

Here are nine photos that capture moments and friendships that have such strong memories attached to them, they take me back and I can laugh at it all again.

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After a half an hour of party plotting, Chad was scooped and tossed in to the North Shore Winter Club pool. My job was to get his cell phone before he went in…but I forgot.

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Chad and my brother at a Keith Urban concert. (I don’t know why we went, but we did.)
His loud “eeeewwwwiiieee!” cowboy noises can be heard through this photo.

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Our first (and only) camping trip. We stayed in his jeep.
The tent belonged to our friends. 

(Can you hear his hisss?)

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Laura, Chad & Matt as the leads in our Saturday night Rock Band group. 
“Wanted, Dead or Alive” was a fan Chad favourite.
Chad wore his grandfather’s fedora every. time.

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Before I went back to college, Chad and I showed up to my send-off party separately, dressed like leprechauns.  
Him, with questionable facial hair decisions.
Me, with bad hair decisions. No questions.

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On a road trip I shot a snap pea at Chads head. It landed in his ear and stuck.
It took a few minutes to be able to talk again. 

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I’d never seen a group of adults laugh so hard than when Chad and his tennis friends had a Christmas party.
I was late and walked in to a decibel of laughter I hadn’t heard before.
When I see this picture, I still can hear it.

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The affection he shared with his friends.

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And lastly, if you’ve ever watched Charles Barkley’s golf tee-off, it’s most comparable to watching Chad Warren putt.

chadgolf

(Stealthy taken by Matt on his blackberry)

 

You’re happiness here with us, made me happy tonight Chaddy.

I’ll talk to you soon. xo

6 details from Chad’s tournament that made this year special

This past week was the 5th Annual Chad Warren Mixed Charity Challenge.  Each year, I look forward to the tournament and the company it brings. And each year, there are a few details that make it special.

So here are top six details of this year’s CWMCC tournament that will keep me going until next year:

1) This A Team – who I let me share hard laughs, a quick sob and a whole lot of hugs with.

Chad Warren Mixed Charity Challenge

2) It was a ‘Hail Mary’ year for our doubles teams. Majority of the tournament’s regulars mixed and matched partners. I don’t know any of us won more than usual, but it the shake-up made our matches more competitive.

3) I didn’t suck. I practiced and drilled twice the amount I normally do for this (tallying six times). During our matches, I didn’t feel the need to breathe a small prayer of “PleaseGoIn” or “PleaseDontMiss” each time I hit the ball – quite refreshing.

4) Chad’s Doctor, Dr. Nantal came to the players party. That is always a highlight in and of itself. But this year, he added to his already impressive pressence when Madison came up beside me and prompted an introduction. “Dr. Nantal, this is my boyfriend’s daughter, Madison.”
He got down on his knee as she firmly shook his hand and spent the next five minutes at her eye-level, giving her his full attention and exchanging jokes. Major, memorable highlight.

5) Watching excitement flash across Jerome’s son’s faces as their Handmade by J & Sons customized cutting boards prompted a bidding war during the live auction. They didn’t know Chad, so their pure generosity was inspiring to watch….and their donation raised a bunch of money.

6) Being handed this photo from our friend’s Terry and Cheryl’s wedding. I didn’t know this photo exsisted so when our friend Tony handed it to me in a red envelope,  I would’ve cried if I wasn’t so happy. (And if you were ever the recipient of this look of Chad’s, you’ll recognize it quickly.)

Chad Warren and Megan Williams

Thank you for those of you who showed up – in whatever capacity you did. Thank you for taking me aside to share a story about Chad, for donating, for being a good sport, and for keeping our memories of Chadditude alive. 

xo

Im an open book. I mean blog.

Its been a couple of months now, and the Dress has met a lot of people. Most of whom are from a life I had with Chad. Chad and I’s couple friends, tennis friends, poker friends, family friends etc etc. Its funny, with all the different groups, the most common (and expected) question has been, “Has he read the blogs?”

Although being able to answer this simply, (Yes) – the action itself is not that simple. For those of us who know the depths and details of what Chad’s blog was, what it revealed and what it reminds us of, we know what a new reader will come across.

Dress knew these blogs existed from the first hour of our conversation back in May. I explained the importance of them to me, our families and our friends. They are pieces of Chad that we can always go back on and read; referencing his character, his fight, how he felt and what he was going through.

My blog, although birthed from the concern of my friends who don’t live nearby, turned into a journal and a way to document what was going on. (To which I am so thankful, as it has been one of my greatest fears to forget the details of what happened; but similar to how I cant remember what I wore last week, the details of the past 10 months also fade from memory.)

I understand the impact reading the blogs might have on someone interested in having a relationship with me. It wouldn’t be easy to read about someone you might be falling for, being in love with someone else. Reading how I still think of another guy, how we never broke up and how awesome it really was. That can not be an easy thing to read/listen/or talk about.

Knowing that, I would never ASK someone to read the blogs. I would never want them to learn about something they may not be interested in or force information on them about a life that they weren’t part of. (That being said, it is unspoken among close friends, that as far as future romantic interests are concerned, there will be little approval to thee who hath not read.)

So, a week or so in to our chats about love, life – and laughing pretty hard, I was curious to see if the Dress would bring up anything about the blogs.

Sure enough, one afternoon laying on the living room floor he says, “So, I was talking to my Mom about the blogs. I told her about them, and said I didn’t know if I should read them when Im ready to learn about what happened, or read them because I like Megan.”

“And…”

“Well, she suggested, rather than reading them by myself, maybe you and I read them together. If that would be something you were ok with.”

I hadn’t read the blogs since they were written. I knew when I did go back and read them it would be a wave on a warm beach. Welcoming the rush of water yet bringing along some buried rough stuff with it. But still, smart thinking Mama Dress.

“That sounds perfect.”

So, one night the following week, rather than renting a movie, we plopped down on the living room floor and I started reading out loud. I read Chads, and my blogs in parallel.

I loved reading them again. I loved reading them to him. I loved sharing Chad with him, letting him hear everything without interpretation – just how it is.

Dress would nod as he listened, quietly say things like, “Wow” or “Geeze.” Then, he took a turn reading. The first part he read was Chad’s entry about Inspiration. Chad talked about his best friend Jay Sedgwick, his friend Brennan from Texas and Eva. Reading Chad’s writing, “If anyone can make it through this it’s Eva. I think about her often and can’t thank her enough for the strength she’s given me.”

It was too much to keep reading. Dress handed the computer back to me and put his face in his hands and head on my shoulder. I kept reading while choking back my own tears. The last time I read that sentence, was to Eva in the hospital. Amazing how a sentence like that reads so differently now than when it was first written.

I continued reading until it was late and there was nothing left to read. The last entry I read was what I wrote after Chad died. I couldn’t make it through without tears, (snot) and trying speak through the lump in my throat.

Dress just laid there. “What a guy. He loved you so much Megan. That whole thing, all that; it’s all love. The whole thing is love.”

Nod.

As he wiped his face, “He is such an epic guy. I think I love him a little bit.”

Sigh.

“What the two of you had, nobody can ever take that away from you. You can’t compare that to anything.”

Truth.

Then I ask, “So how does it make you feel, hearing about me being in love with someone else?”

Pause.

“I think its great. I mean, it’s a great thing for me. If you know about a love like that and can love someone like that, then – well, that’s great for me. What the two of you had, I can’t compete with that. But I feel like the bar has been set, and I might not be able to reach it – but I’d sure like to try.”

Wow. Big statement Dress.

“Id like to try too.” I said.

I have to acknowledge the confidence this takes. Accepting a life that existed before him, welcoming it as ‘part of the package’ and getting to know Chad is quite the undertaking; admirable to say the least – or shall I say, the Dress has impressed.

So there I have it. EVERYTHING has been put out there. I don’t know why I feel relieved, but I do. I guess it feels like there are no boundaries anymore. I can freely say, “Chad used to say…” or “When Chad and I did this..” and not worry about what is unknown to the Dress.

As for my friends, there have been silent (and some not so silent) nods of approval; knowing when Dress is around and Chad is mentioned, he has an understanding of who we are talking about.

So, with confidence, I have am proud to have introduced the Dress to Chad.

Now Chad, meet the Dress. His name is Brad.