Its been a couple of months now, and the Dress has met a lot of people. Most of whom are from a life I had with Chad. Chad and I’s couple friends, tennis friends, poker friends, family friends etc etc. Its funny, with all the different groups, the most common (and expected) question has been, “Has he read the blogs?”
Although being able to answer this simply, (Yes) – the action itself is not that simple. For those of us who know the depths and details of what Chad’s blog was, what it revealed and what it reminds us of, we know what a new reader will come across.
Dress knew these blogs existed from the first hour of our conversation back in May. I explained the importance of them to me, our families and our friends. They are pieces of Chad that we can always go back on and read; referencing his character, his fight, how he felt and what he was going through.
My blog, although birthed from the concern of my friends who don’t live nearby, turned into a journal and a way to document what was going on. (To which I am so thankful, as it has been one of my greatest fears to forget the details of what happened; but similar to how I cant remember what I wore last week, the details of the past 10 months also fade from memory.)
I understand the impact reading the blogs might have on someone interested in having a relationship with me. It wouldn’t be easy to read about someone you might be falling for, being in love with someone else. Reading how I still think of another guy, how we never broke up and how awesome it really was. That can not be an easy thing to read/listen/or talk about.
Knowing that, I would never ASK someone to read the blogs. I would never want them to learn about something they may not be interested in or force information on them about a life that they weren’t part of. (That being said, it is unspoken among close friends, that as far as future romantic interests are concerned, there will be little approval to thee who hath not read.)
So, a week or so in to our chats about love, life – and laughing pretty hard, I was curious to see if the Dress would bring up anything about the blogs.
Sure enough, one afternoon laying on the living room floor he says, “So, I was talking to my Mom about the blogs. I told her about them, and said I didn’t know if I should read them when Im ready to learn about what happened, or read them because I like Megan.”
“Well, she suggested, rather than reading them by myself, maybe you and I read them together. If that would be something you were ok with.”
I hadn’t read the blogs since they were written. I knew when I did go back and read them it would be a wave on a warm beach. Welcoming the rush of water yet bringing along some buried rough stuff with it. But still, smart thinking Mama Dress.
“That sounds perfect.”
So, one night the following week, rather than renting a movie, we plopped down on the living room floor and I started reading out loud. I read Chads, and my blogs in parallel.
I loved reading them again. I loved reading them to him. I loved sharing Chad with him, letting him hear everything without interpretation – just how it is.
Dress would nod as he listened, quietly say things like, “Wow” or “Geeze.” Then, he took a turn reading. The first part he read was Chad’s entry about Inspiration. Chad talked about his best friend Jay Sedgwick, his friend Brennan from Texas and Eva. Reading Chad’s writing, “If anyone can make it through this it’s Eva. I think about her often and can’t thank her enough for the strength she’s given me.”
It was too much to keep reading. Dress handed the computer back to me and put his face in his hands and head on my shoulder. I kept reading while choking back my own tears. The last time I read that sentence, was to Eva in the hospital. Amazing how a sentence like that reads so differently now than when it was first written.
I continued reading until it was late and there was nothing left to read. The last entry I read was what I wrote after Chad died. I couldn’t make it through without tears, (snot) and trying speak through the lump in my throat.
Dress just laid there. “What a guy. He loved you so much Megan. That whole thing, all that; it’s all love. The whole thing is love.”
As he wiped his face, “He is such an epic guy. I think I love him a little bit.”
“What the two of you had, nobody can ever take that away from you. You can’t compare that to anything.”
Then I ask, “So how does it make you feel, hearing about me being in love with someone else?”
“I think its great. I mean, it’s a great thing for me. If you know about a love like that and can love someone like that, then – well, that’s great for me. What the two of you had, I can’t compete with that. But I feel like the bar has been set, and I might not be able to reach it – but I’d sure like to try.”
Wow. Big statement Dress.
“Id like to try too.” I said.
I have to acknowledge the confidence this takes. Accepting a life that existed before him, welcoming it as ‘part of the package’ and getting to know Chad is quite the undertaking; admirable to say the least – or shall I say, the Dress has impressed.
So there I have it. EVERYTHING has been put out there. I don’t know why I feel relieved, but I do. I guess it feels like there are no boundaries anymore. I can freely say, “Chad used to say…” or “When Chad and I did this..” and not worry about what is unknown to the Dress.
As for my friends, there have been silent (and some not so silent) nods of approval; knowing when Dress is around and Chad is mentioned, he has an understanding of who we are talking about.
So, with confidence, I have am proud to have introduced the Dress to Chad.
Now Chad, meet the Dress. His name is Brad.