I’m sorry I haven’t written you in so long.
I forgot it was today. I mean, I remembered a few days ago, but forgot again last night. For the past seven years, I have started the 28th off with a run – to chat it out, let a few tears go and start the day with friends. But today, I forgot and slept in.
Part of me feels like I should apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t go to bed thinking of the day you left, and didn’t wake up remembering our last day together.
The other part of me knows an apology isn’t needed. I think I forgot because I’m happy. I didn’t forget you of course, but I did forget to remember to be sad.
It might sound confusing, but forgetting to remember to be sad, actually made me happy.
This is what you wanted for me. This is what I promised you. I am ok. I am living my life and I am happy. We both understand that is not something to appologize for.
I’ve changed this past year. I don’t think of you every day anymore. Most days I do, just not every day. But now, I cry for you more. For years, I could speak about you with such ease. Now, I remember something about you, about us, and I have to pause and collect myself as my voice trails off. I don’t understand the change, but it’s noticeable.
Maybe the change is what Karen Burroughs pointed out after the wedding. “You have all this happiness and love in your life because of Chad. He’s to thank for so much of what you have now.”
It’s true. I’m really happy Chad, and you’re attached to that. I miss you, I’m happy without you, and I’m happy because of you. I can’t explain it further, because I don’t know if I really get it. I just love you and I feel your love in return. Still.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. Even with the changes, my rambling remains reliable.