Maybe it’s my Matrix?

I do most of my crying in the car. Sometimes the shower, but mostly the car.

I got really good at it when Bryn had his transplant, when Chad was in the hospital and when he left. I assume it’s because I’m alone and even though I’ve got zero tint on my windows, I feel like I can do it without anyone watching. I prefer it that way.

I haven’t cried much lately. Maybe a tear or two at a wedding and maybe a watery eye during the Taylor Swift concert (don’t ever mention this to my face). BUT – every once in an unexpected while I get all teary with a feeling of Chad.

It creeps up on me without prompting – somehow making me feel as if he’s weighing in on something I’ve been up to, or just checking in. I feel his blunt opinions and kind support. Maybe it’s best described as a feeling from Chad.

When this happens, I get a surge of warmth and tightness from my gut, up to my chest, into my throat, and out through my eyes….tears. I miss you. Please stay.

But this is where the (I’m) crazy part has come in.

The other day, I was taking my usual route home, finishing a happy day, going to my happy home. Driving through the Stanley Park Causeway, and I felt him. Then came the warm surge then…tears. Please stay.

The feeling isn’t unusual, but what I’ve just noticed is.

Last time I had this feeling was in the same section of causeway. Actually, there have been DOZENS of  times the past five years that this surge, of grief, love and tears have surfaced in the same 400 metres of road.

Stanley Park Causeway (Photo credit: The Province)

I whispered out loud, “What the..f..”

If I was drunk with these feelings, thinking about this made me sober.

I know this sounds crazy. And I’m not deep enough to wrap my head around Inception, Wrinkle in Time, Matrix-ish theories, but seriously – am I going through a Chad tunnel or something?

I love it when it happens, but why there, why not when I’m sitting at my desk or running by our old apartment? Why those 400 metres? I like it, but I don’t get it. Maybe it’s my matrix…

Has anyone else felt like this before or had something similar happen?

Good grief.

x M






PS. If you’re a Psychiatrist, how am I doing on the cray cray scale?



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